THE DIRTY 30

And so it has come to pass, Mr. C has chosen his provisional squad for South Africa and whilst I will of course list them here, I will also list their crimes against their names. I must stress that although, most footballers probably are complete wankers, I love these men...Apart from Cole....And Terry...I'm not mad on James neither...I don't rate Johnson...Neville's a cunt too...

GOALKEEPERS
David James- He's an artist and he's not very good.

Joe Hart - he's inexperienced, highly unlikely to play.

Rob Green - he's from Norfolk.

DEFENDERS
Leighton Baines - yeah right.

Jamie Carragher - he's already turned his back on the national team and now he's back for more, cake and eat it? You cake eating cunt! Good player though and I don't think he's ever been caught smacking someone in the gob or fucking a brass.

Ashley Cole - Ha ha - unlike this rascal! The epitome of a total wanker. Problem is he's one of the best full backs in the world, but I reckon he's even better at being a cunt.

M. Dawson - do me a favour.

Rio ferdinand - the captain is a class act. He went to ballet school you know, oh yeah and he missed a drug test, which doesn't mean anything apart from the glaring fact he MIGHT have been using performance enhancing drugs or was on the nose gear for a while. Doubt it though eh? Rio? Never!

Glen Johnson - thinks he's a winger! He's not!

Ledley King - can barely walk, why are we taking him for? My nan's quicker over six yards and both her knees work too!

John Terry - his Dad's a chaz dealer, he fucked his best mate's missus! With a record like that, he must be on the iron bird!

Matthew Upson - fuck me, can I come too? Upson? Did anyone watch West Ham this season?

MIDFIELDERS
Gareth Barry - he's injured!

Michael Carrick - good first touch, good passer of the ball, he's like Scholes, but nowhere near as tasty as the ginger prince... who is not coming.

Joe Cole - tricksy winger, quite good really, problem is Mr. C doesn't seem to think so.

Stevie G - fucking amazing player, can lift a team, grab the game by its throat, scores goals, is a total hero, recently decked a man in a bar.

Frank Lampard - known as fat Frank in certain quarters and gets booed a lot. Never understood that, he's really rather splendid.

Tom Huddlestone - fuck me if you think Frank Lampard's a porker weight (genius) 'til you see big daddy here. I pity the fool who sits at the same breakfast table as him in South Africa, they will hank marvin mate.

Adam Johnson - The Theo Walcott pick. Has a very bright future, could well take Joe Cole's position.

Aaron Lennon - dreadful eyebrows.

James Milner - has had a great season, if Barry is injured I see him starting.

Theo Walcott - used to be good.

Shaun Wright-Phillips - see above (only this twat is getting worse as a player, but demanding more money!)

Scott Parker - he's a fucking diamond. He would be in any team I managed.

FORWARDS
Darren Bent - has had a great season, subs bench me thinks.

Peter Crouch - hard to dislike, although my dad fucking hates him 'Lanky fucking streak of piss'. Not a nice man, my dad.

Jermaine Defoe - quite probably having an affair with Harry Redknapp as he follows him around a lot. Scores a lot of goals, enjoys stamp collecting (untrue).

Emile Heskey - holds the ball up well, does lots of other things too, apart from what a forward is supposed to.

Wayne Rooney - likes a granny in the sack, happens to be brilliant.

Until next time.