And if someone could just explain to me...

Why the fuck any Englishmen bothers any more?
The Sun says you've let your country down, the mirror screams rout of Africa, done by the Hun, etc etc
I say, fine the cunts.
Well you won't be hearing from me for a while as I'll be arming myself to the teeth for the inevitable back lash and random acts of violence from my Scottish, Irish and Welsh friends.
Fingers crossed Rash hasn't slit his wrists with both S. Africa going out along with the 3 Lions you might get a post or two more from him, but I'm off, see you in 2 years for another load of Mutiny on the Cunty horse shit.
As Aristotle used to say
'bosh, mug, cunt, cock snot'

Ooooooooh, close but no lard!

How goes it manjitas? Looks like a bigun on the horizon, squeeky bum time, ring-piece like a blood orange etc. We the few, love a game like this and expect one every international tournament, but it doesn't normally come as early on as this.
David James was quoted in the Grundyard yesterday saying that they were pleased with the prospect of facing the Gurmins, as Ghana are a better footballing team. Well, that was probably mind games, but after watching the Ghana forwards last night shoulder barge the seemingly futile attempts of the septic's centrebacks into row z, he may have had a point.
Milner will again be on the right, one hopes.....Oh christ on a bike, I can't do any more of this fucking shit, writing about fucking England. Too nervous, dizzy on coffee, my son's singing (he has the face of an angel but the voice of a charlatan), so I'm out of here.
I'll be watching the game with family and friends in my native village, back east in Worstead. Whilst I'm tapping this out on Dad's laptop (why are there so many pubes on his keyboard)I'm gazing at the rolling sun bleached grassy fields in this most beautiful of places. Memories of a sun drenched youth, eating corn fresh from the fields (with added fertilizer), sneaky snout smoking behind the delapidated shed by the cricket boundry, selling my first wrap of wizz to two fourteen year olds, trying to bum my then girlfriend against the wall of the Queen Elizabeth hall and failing, raping that holiday making couple from Dorset and then cutting them up and burying them on the outskirts of the village by the train station (not true -ed).
Oh the memories of my England, what is there not to be proud of? Thatcher, imperialism, track suits, big brother, Jeremy Clarkson and an international football team rammed to the hilt with cuntage.
COME ON ENGLAND!

Well, it's better than sticking your balls in a blender.

Slovenia. What to say? The papers and media in general have gone completely over the top re yesterday's game, but I truly believe you must embrace every moment that goes your way in the World Cup, it's only every four years, so maybe they've got a point.
Milner, I fucking love the geezer, he stood out and delivered for the 3 Lions on so many levels. We had shape and showed an appetite for attacking football, which has been eerily absent up until yesterday.
But, luck again failed us. The fucking Guuurrrmiinnnsss lie in wait. I'm not as optimistic as I was last night when I was cunted out of my skull, but out of the top teams left in the tournament you would have to say that the Gurmins would be the shits you'd want to play. Would have been well happy with a game against Ghana though. They've peaked and we haven't, well at least I hope we haven't. I know this one's boring, but I'm shattered and the four beers I've had aint doing their job, so go bollocks, off for a wank and an early night.
Slosh!

ENGLAND 85 ALGERIA 0

Wow, what a game that was. There we all were expecting the same tripe as the USA game and they pull that one out of the bag!
Rooney is now the highest goal scorer in England's and World Cup history as he bagged all 85 of the goals. The irony is of course, he was substituted with half an hour left to play for Heskey, who although had plenty of opportunities to bag a few goals himself failed to get on the score sheet. The Sun are screaming blue murder at Fabio and Heskey saying it is their fault that Rooney was denied the chance to score 100 goals in one single international game.
Stalwart defending from the extremely energetic looking Carragher put all our fears behind us, the fears were of course, who the fuck is the sweaty looking mick playing trying to play for England at centre back, his partnership with the diplomatic Terry was a formidable one.
In the middle of the park where the two creative sensations pinged one twos off each other all evening, England were joyous! Lamps and Gerrard were reading each other's minds with each new move they developed. What a force!
Johnson showed just why Fabio didn't need to bring another right back with him as he defended and stayed back selflessly allowing his winger the space and time to overlap and get to the by line to cross the ball in for the 'in the form of his life Rooney'.
After the game Ashley Cole weeped as he said the honour of playing for England was just too fantastic and wanted to thank all the fans back home and he vowed he would not rest until he delivered the World Cup to our shores.
My wife was so impressed that she allowed me one night with Kathy Lloyd, which had been a dream since puberty. Kathy was wonderful and her husband didn't mind as I boned her all night as he sat in the front room watching repeats of On the Buses on ITV3. I had to turn her down though when she asked me to shit in her mouth, I had, after all eaten 3 king size snickers that day, and if I couldn't digest those peanuts neither could she. It just wouldn't have been fair, so I just pissed in her eyes.
Bosh!

Brazilian? then fuckin fala portuguese you cunt!!! From Rash, Our Man in the Frying Pan (genius -ed)

Brazilian? then fuckin fala portuguese you cunt!!!

even more annoying than the vuvuzela or the enormous sunglasses people seem to wear is the nature of glory hunting fans here. because until two months ago no-one thought that the national side stood a shred of a chance of making the next round almost everyone here has another team that they "support". i am not talking about english south africans putting a cross of st george on the car or the inevitable portuguese flags stuck on corner shops or even afrikaaners wearing orange at Dutch games, oh no i am talking about south africans who have no connection with the south american continent suddenly making out they are life long supporters of the joga bonito. Then trying to lord it over you. when you kindly point out that the only thing they have in common with Brazil or Argentina is the crime rate they inevitably tell you "they support soccer..."
No lets have it right, if you support football i expect to see you in the stands of notts counties away end on a miserable, wet wednesday night in february. not wearing the brazil flag and a bikini and trying to get in the papers.
i have already seen my first bit of hooliganism for a team no-one has a connection with. the four year old in the house where i stay smashed her seven year old brother in the face with a plastic dinosaur toy for saying brazil was better than italy.... drew blood and everything.... still what do you expect from a country where man u and liverpool are still the top clubs (not kaiser chiefs or sundowns....) fucking gloiry hunters
still i have had enough of the cold of the high veldt and am off to the coast for some warmth
oh and on the subject of mr green and his tokoloshe problems maybe he should have seen
DR Rafiq
removal of tokoloshe, enlarge penis, become rich by using richand by using small boys
dont ask me i dont know either.....

All I get is Lager and a Nasty Little Rash

Here's Rashid's latest post. I must work with this man more, he seems to be on my wave length...For a cunt.

what a twenty four hours... from the opening ceremony and euphoria of the opening game to that fumble.
johannesburg was gridlocked on friday forcing everyone out of their cars and across what is viewed as one of the worlds most dangerous cities on foot. Though to be honest all anybody said to me on that particular journey was "Can you feel it brother. It is here...." the atmosphere for south africa's opener at the fanpark in central joburg was epic to say the least. my ears were still ringing the next morning when i got the newspapers with their self congratulatory headlines.. it seems that this will be the best and most profitable world cup ever. but they always say that dont they? The police caught the guys who robbed a set of journalists within twenty four hours and promptly announced it wasn't south africans at all but zimbabweans and nigerians. so thats alright then. all looked good for englands opener....
within 5 minutes of kick off we were a goal up and looked alright, ok some of the players couldnt keep the new ball down at that altitude but even lennon seemed able to a do a bit more than simply scare people by running at them with his tiny little legs. then it seemed we had run up against african magic in some perverted form.
in south africa it is common for league teams to perform magic rites to ensure victory but it seems that some americans had visited the sangoma for a few spells. maybe the slippy hands spell or the make the keeper look like a twat special. or maybe one of the fans has unleashed the awesome power of the fabled tokoloshe.
a widespread belief in these parts is in evil demons called tokoloshe which if harnessed correctly can give the "owner" vast power. generally described being small and smelly but with an enourmous cock that is near enough the same length as his small body, people (especially rural people) still have great faith in these and other things of the shadow world. they are always trying to have sex with women and are sometimes cited in divorce proceedings. sounds like certain footballers i could mention. anyway these things will work for you and damage your enemies (American tokoloshe theory) but will also fuck you up at the first opportunity (Greens tokoloshe fucked him over theory). either that or Danielle Lloyd is a tokoloshe and we just havent noticed. think about it, shes had sex with just about everybody....
anyway i have decided to try and get over this by watching the dutch and danes try and deal with the fucking vuvuzela tomorrow at soccer city. i have to say that the english made one song heard above that noise last night. one song.....

FAMILY AND THE LIKE? ON YOUR FUCKING BIKE!

Remeber all that shit I spouted on about prior to the battle with the septics? Forget about it. I watched that game with my Dad, Sister, Wife, Son, Brother and family friends. I had a row with my siter, my son cried and threw a wobbly when I wasn't taking any notice of him, Dad moaned all the way through it and my wife and step mum had a really interesting conversation about shoes. Oh and my brother is just a teenager (cunt).
For Friday's game against Algeria, I will be watching it in London with a bunch of mates, drinking loads of beer, sniff, smoking snouts etc.
We've got to be optimistic about this one. Algeria have no points and surely need to attack, hopefully leaving gaping holes at the back (about the size of Bab Windsor's clunge) for Rooney to smack the net up with. Please G-D.
What about the swiss eh? My mate Salv is an avid Spain fan and my mate Lol is Algerian/Spanish/English and French. Lol would have been supporting the mighty Spain, because they had the best chance of winning the trophy, he may have moved over to Algeria now. I must admit, I laughed myself silly when they lost that one. Can you see them both over there in the corner, yeah you can see them, obviously they both look like dodgy gangsters from Carlito's Way, yeah those two, told yer didn't I, see the one with the big head, yeah that's him. Cunts.
Here's Rash with the leather!

FAMILY

I had a chance to go to South Africa for the World Cup, but it was a three month stint, with Rash, the la who's sending the stuff over from the World Cup to this blog.
It would have been amazing, a true I WAS THERE memory, but...
Where do you really want to be, when matches like these mean so much to you? I want to be with my mates and most of all my Dad. I get away with murder/manslaughter with the amount of things my wife and kid let me get up to, but three months away from my 3 year old, not to mention losing my job, might have been a stretch.
I watched the first two games today as I'm sure you have. It's about the moments we share as human beings at times like this that is more important than anything. Just imagine, for a second, we win it... July 11th (my Dad's birthday), with your mates and if you've still got one your Dad, if I was given the choice a thousand times, it would be the same.
Tomorrow, I'll be at my Dad's gaff, supping beers, eating BBQ, smoking snouts and if my sister comes, have a cheeky line once the litlun is in the sack hoping and praying for an England victory.
I've had about 8 of my new home brew batch, which isn't the best I admit, and I'm feeling a little emotional. Plus I've just watched One Night In Turin about Italia 90 and spotify is playing Embrace's World at Your Feet, so it wont be long before I start welling up.
I love football so very, very much and I love the England football team a hundred times more than my club team, so every international tournament is important to me. But this one is weird and wonderful for me, It's the first one that my son will experience (although he hasn't got a scooby what is going on), I've moved back East to be nearer to my Dad in his twilight years and I wont be getting my cock out every time England score. (Pity -ed)
To all of you who read this blog and love the three lions, although most of them are total pricks, good luck tomorrow, enjoy and embrace the day and fingers crossed it's a winner.
I'm well aware that I banged on about the Dad thing, and one person who is very close to me lost his Dad not so long ago, but I hope he knows how much I love him and that he is as important to me as the rest of my family, and with hope in our hearts and the wind at our heels, we'll finally sort this aaaaaaatttt.
Lots of love you crazy kids, I for one wont sleep tonight, it could be excitement, it could be the benny I've just dropped or the home brew keeping me on the shitter all night.
If you have a couple of moments and are not feeling as patriotic as you would like, take a look at Dennis Potter's final interview before his death with Melvyn Bragg talking about how he is proud to be English, 'but not the way the Sun is', how he looks out of his bedroom window in the morning knowing that death is upon him looking at the apple blossom drift in the streets... It's pretty fucking special.
Good luck and G-D speed.
Bosh!
WE AINT NO HOOLIGANS, THIS AINT A FOOTBALL SONG,
3 LIONS ON MY SHIRT, I KNOW WE CAN'T GO WRONG.

RASH IN FLASH (our man in Africa prt 2)

Lets have it right.... The majority of ticket holders in this cup will be south africans. The majority of them think its funny to blow a long plastic horn called a vuvuzela from before the match until after its finished. These things are fucking loud and annoying. I have stood amongst thousands of people blowing these things and it is not fun unless you are deaf as a man with no ears. Yesterday south africans were requested to come together and make as much noise as possible at 12.30 (a kind of african signal that the world cup experience has started). At the shopping centres where fans of all nationalities gather (or is that huddle in safety) i watched as Mexican fans tried to compete with these infernal noise machines. It was a brave but ultimately futile attempt.... even the Argies had a go and i had to laugh as their aggressive singing disappeared under a barrage of plastic bellowing. The funniest sight was a coachload of the Charlton Athletic supprters club members getting caught up in the crowd, who thought they were this was the bus of their beloved bafana bafana. The manager of south africa has said these vuvuzela things are the 12th player but i am wondering how thats going to work out in, say, Holland against Denmark when 90% of the crowd will live in joburg or soweto.
The argentians are here and all pretending to be Lionel Messi. They even sent the Barras Bravas for a bit of aggro, although ten got turned back at the airport (i think thats about 18hrs on the plane then 18hrs straight back.) And while everyone here keeps asking if i think the english will be after a bit of hooliganism at this world cup (short answer no) my tip for trouble is nigeria against the argentines. the nigerian support will all live in south africa, have as reputation for criminality and have already been involved in a stampede at a warm up game. they also blow horns, but real cow horns.
anyone want to back my campaign to bring back rattles?

BALL ACHE

What the fuck is it with Adidas? Every international football tournament they manage to deform one of the most straight forward sporting items on the planet.
The football is a basic invention, beautiful in its simplicity and without it life on planet Earth would be bollocks.
So why does a company that has specialised in making footballs, football regalia and other sporting bits and bobs manage to fuck it up, every four years for a world cup?
I remember at Italia 90, adidas designed the Etrusco (I believe), it was a stunner, a beautuful white ball, with black etchings, using the traditional adidas tango design but upping the ante and making it look a little more poncy/Italian. It worked, it was lovely, it was also fucking expsensive. Official balls are very pricey, so I'm sure adidas must think, how the fuck sticks are we gonna get away with this one again? We need to re-design the same ball every tournament and sell it for £80, bob's your country bunker, we're fucking wedged up to the max!
The problem is, adidas, should actually be less caring about their market and just fuck us over entirely. We don't need you to re-design the fucking inside, just put a new pretty picture on the front and we'll all buy it, don't you chicken curry about it sun beam! After all most of us fanatics will or already have purchased the England shirt. People run to the shop, 'Quick the new England shirt is out, It's white and everything!'
By making the ball lighter, the supremos at adidas (it's never been proved that the founder Mr. Adi Dasler had ties with the Nazis) believe that probably more goals will be scored, but all that actually happens is you get central midfielders taking more and more shots and the ball is either sent into orbit or plucked away from danger by a very relaxed goalkeeper (Lampard).
Speaking of the England shirt, I wonder how many people have seen the adverts 'Tailored in England'. Wow, what a boast!
Obviously they cannot say made in England, because they are made by a nine year old, working 16 hour days without a lunch break for the tidy sum of tuppence halfpenny somewhere many many miles away.
The band Kasabian star in one of these posters. I think, by endorsing the purchasing of something which pretty much encaptures modern slavery, they should perform their next tour, without taking lunch, wages of £7 per week (to share between them), and possibly have their manager screaming at them and hitting them occasionaly with a stick. They should then finish their day by all huddling together by a rat infested river bank to get their heads down for a nice kip. Fucking cunts.

I realise I am pictured above wearing one of these fine garments, but mine was nicked, so bollocks!

Here's Rash with the weather, film at 11. Bosh!

NOWT TO FRET ABOUT

They say only the great teams play badly and still get results. Which is fucking gravy for us, we must be the new Brazil, because we are playing like a dog's dinner purchased from Farm Foods off the Dereham Rd.
Platinum Stars anyone? Mate, they are up there with the rest of the greats, Dilham FC, Staines.... Yep, they're proper shit and so are we, which means of course there is fuck all to be scared about, because we are going to steam roll every cunt lapper put in front of us with our shit, negative, cunt-like football prowess.
I don't know about you, but all of a sudden, I'm not too fucking confident.

Still it could be worse, we could be Scotland, Wales or Ireland!
Ecxuse me a moment for a bit of immaturity (never -ed).

No room for you at the inn sweatys!!!!!!!!!!!!! Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha.

The luck of the Irish? First a tayto famine and now Thierry Henry!
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha

Wales? Well there is nothing funny about Wales in the slightest. So no laughter at the back there. Oh fuck it, 'Sorry Denzel, valley boy, looks like you'll be sticking the leeks to your wife for the next month, coz there's fuck all on the tele boyo'!
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha haHa ha ha ha ha ha ha haHa ha ha ha ha ha ha haHa ha ha ha ha ha ha haHa ha ha ha ha ha ha haHa ha ha ha ha ha ha haHa ha ha ha ha ha ha haHa ha ha ha ha ha ha haHa ha ha ha ha ha ha haHa ha ha ha ha ha ha haHa ha ha ha ha ha ha haHa ha ha ha ha ha ha haHa ha ha ha ha ha ha haHa ha ha ha ha ha ha haHa ha ha ha ha ha ha haHa ha ha ha ha ha ha haHa ha ha ha ha ha ha haHa ha ha ha ha ha ha haHa ha ha ha ha ha ha haHa ha ha ha ha ha ha ha.
Bosh, cunts, etc.

A RATHER RASH REPORT

Below is the first instalment of reports from Rasheed, our man in South Africa, who will be sending me weekly bulletins. Enjoy...

the only visible sign of any england support so far is the occassional cross of st george, usually next to a south african flag on a car with local numberplates. there appear to be a few well heeled italians walking in large groups around shopping malls but no body else. the whole country has gone flag crazy with a regular topic of discussion being which street vendor sells the cheapest (6 pounds or five). speaking of street vendors the guy who sells potatoes on our corner has tickets for a south africa versus mexico in the opening game. thats a lot of potatoes. i have witnessed a fist fight in the bank about ticket allocation, the big sikh won.
England arrived to be met by a commando unit armed with submachine guns who fanned around the plane and stood around menacingly. this is supposed to be because of a perceived terror threat against the English, Americans, Dutch and Danes, and i have been stopped and searched by the police near ellis park stadium in johannesburg, however the look on ferdinands face as he stumbled from the plane might suggest that it is a ploy to frighten the rest of the teams before the tournament. thanks for writing all that shite about security-the daily star, and the daily mail, you have made it so much easier for everyone else.
Today is football friday where even kids can go to school in football kits, so long as its the south african team. the more integrated areas are awash with green and yellow, but in the rich white areas if you ask about the world cup they will say "oh yeah that starts soon doesnt it?"
prices havent gone up much so i am sure Terry can still get his under-age slappers for a quart bottle of beer if no ones mrs is near to hand....

FUCK

Man, of all the centre backs to lose before we've even kicked a ball in contempt and it's the fucking skipper!
Ferdinand has had his critics, but I've always rated him and although he is not the player of two seasons ago, he is experienced, level headed (unless you are waiting down the corridor with a test tube and some PH testing papers) and he can pass and not just hoof the cunt.
Still he is to be replaced by Dawson, who is at least two of the above - he can definitely pass and is level headed, but will he be able to keep his head in a World Cup? If he can, I would urge Mr. C to go all unorthodox on our arses and play him and is Spurs partner in crime Ledley King and bench Terry. Without Ferdinand I think Terry will be a liability. Look at him for Chelsea when that Porto Geezer wasn't playing, he was a fucking laughing stock and no mistake - cunt.
Or there is Upson, who if you remember from my Dirty 30 post I made a crack about me being able to make the team if Upson was could, I also seem to remember coating off Dawson too, but that was more to do with him being an N17 cock snotter than anything else. My opinion of Upson has changed as I found out that he is from Diss, which is of course a town about twenty miles from Norwich, in Norfolk! Fucking ace, what is Mr. C waiting for give him the arm band!
On a serious note, who didn't want Stevie G as skipper back in the battle of the chav haircuts when he was up against JT for the arm band? I fucking love the la! And at least compared to JT he has only one chav hair cut, whilst JT has three at once, which is just fucking greedy, Barking cunt. Have you ever been to Barking? Man alive, I've been to some dirt holes in my time, all of which amalgamated would be Barking. What a fucking pit. Some people think Toxteth is rough, I urge them to take a look at the beautiful twin boroughs of Newham and Barking, tasty fish! Oh and Bowyer is from that manor too, anyone order a cunt?
Talking of Newham and Barking, out of the four parts of London that the councils of our capital have decided to put up giant screens to watch the matches, two of them are in Newham and Barking! I can't believe it, who's paying for the crowd control on that one? Israel gunships Ltd? What a Joker Di Smoker!
So forward we march Lions, with hope in our hearts and wind at our heels, stand up and fight and be counted. Stevie G we are keeping the faith, do not let us down, like you usually do at international level, you tracksuit at the weekend wearing, golf range walking, what is someone like you doing with a bit of fanjita like that, oh yeah of course you've 900,000,000 quid in your sky rocket dude. We love you and you are so much less of a cunt than the rest of this shower!
On a final note for this post, I'm looking forward to listening to the usual, 'I'm not a racialist but...'comments over the World Cup starting of course with our match against the septics. 'You fucking yank cunts etc' will be spouted by someone wearing a £100 pair of Nikes (Oregon), a Tommy Hilfiger pair of shorts (NY) and a Ralp Lauren polo shirt (California), drinking a bottle of Budweiser(Wisconsin) classy like my arsey.
Baked potataaaaaaaaaaa!

Theo Neo

Poor lad must be proper gutted, but that's what happens when everyone suddenly realises that you are not very good after all and have chosen the wrong sport to ply your trade in. Seriously Theo should have been a sprinter and we could have all watched in glee as he came second behind Bolt in 2012.
I am surprised though, even though Theo had a Pone Loc season for the Arse, I thought he would be used in some capacity, super sub anyone? The last twenty minutes of a game when a full back is proper cunted and on a card? Of course, bring on Theo. Nope! Lets take Wright Phillips! That's a mistaka di Maka. Little cunt.

MR C. NO!

Well avid followers of World Cup 2010's number one blog, looks like Mr. Morrati, owner of Inter is trying to tempt away the sage to lead his nerrazurri to another league title, which they can only lose, if they cut their legs off as the rest of the big teams in Italy are in such a dire state it is not even funny.
Firstly, Mr. C is paid an awful lot of money by the FA, but Moratti is talking about trebling his salary (lordy!)and the rumours are that that is before tax too (man alive!), Capello already makes £6m a year (Christ on a bike!)
Well how is an Italian going to be able to turn down the chance to return home and manage the only one of the big 3 that he hasn't bossed so far, for the tidy sum of £18m a year? That salary amount's got to be horse shit of the highest order (that means shire horse shit as they must be the highest horse -ed). No manager is worth that, and it's not like they need to win the Champions League or they are finished as a club if they don't bring home the seria A championship, because they've just won both, not to mention the Italian Cup. This baffles me.
Now if the FA had any sense, they would approach Mr.C about this (he has just removed a get out clause in his contract, which would normally be seen as a sign of commitment, but not by me)which means he no longer has the option of talking to other clubs before his contract is up. The FA need to set a contract buy out clause in the region of £15m. If the FA were to receive £15m which they could plough into school and other grass roots football (and get fucking Worstead playing back in the village) after England make it no further than another quarter final, who would bemoan the fact of Mr C moving on?
You would would you? Have a word with yourself, you stupid, two-bob, muggy cunt!

MUGS ETC

Did anyone see the back page of the Guardian's sport section on Thursday? Marina Hyde's fantastic reportage/piss take out of the golden generation of the 3 Lions' biographies.
She coats off Cole, Terry and the like with panache, but the best is left for Frank Lamps. She describes the excerpt of his book from the World Cup in 2006, where Frank misses a penalty and feels terrible etc. But, then he looks to the sky and sees the moon, which reminds him of his daughter Luna (deep as mate, deep as) and all of a sudden he feels better.
Before I rip into my tirade of abuse, it is only fair to mention the Frank conclusions of Marina, she then reminds the readers that it was sun filled evening the night that Frank missed, plus the roof was closed! How priceless is that? Silly fucker!
Now this makes me angry in a few ways. Firstly, he feels better, less than a minute after missing a penalty, which will help to see England fall flat on their arses, again, after believing their own hype. We didn't look to the sky/roof of the pub and feel better mate, most of us had to hold back tears or stop ourselves from jumping into the telly to cut you a new mouth.
Secondly, you remember your daughter because her name is moon in Spanish? That's fucking gravy mate. If you want to remember your daughter more often, you are going to need to watch a whole lot of the Sky at Night or rename her Fanjita.

ENGLAND 3 MEXICO 1

Seriously, some people are just utter plums and it seems they are all employed by ITV sport in some capacity.
How many times did we have to hear during tonight's broadcast of the England game that, a win is a win, and that a send off with a victory is what's important, even though England didn't play at their best? No shit Sherlock, why the flange would a team with a very good chance of doing very well at the World Cup, try their hardest in their final home friendly?
Surely any true England fan would just be pleased that the bloody game is over and that nobody got hurt regardless of the result? I wouldn't have given a toss if we had lost 1-0 in tonight's game. Considering we were not going for it on all cylinders etc, yawn, etc, I thought we played some very good football in places and that overall the signs were extremely encouraging that we might live up to the hype that the English media so unfairly heaps upon the 3 Lions.
Johnson at right back played very well, and deservedly was awarded man of the match, plus he scored an absolute blinder of a goal. Ledley King, although shakey in places, looked good, although in the post match interview, he looked utterly fucked. Lennon looked sharp when he came on as did Adam Johnson, even though he only got six minutes.
I think that Mr. C's toughest decisions will come down to his choices of who plays wide. England for once, have a few wingers to choose from, plus some inside forwards who can play wide when needed. Adam Johnson could well go to South Africa, I know he only got six minutes, but surely the fact that he made the absolute maximum of his chance must go in his favour. If he hadn't been such a nice lad, he would have gone down in the area as his shirt was being ripped off his back and won us a penalty.

Lennon or Walcott? One to start and one to punish the knackered full back in the last twenty minutes of a game I think. I would start Lennon, at this point in time he is simply a much better reader of the game than Theo. He has more guile, a better shot and just looks more like a complete winger. Theo lacks a final ball, as we all know, but in the last twenty minutes against a tired full back, who may be on a yellow card, he is exactly the kind of player you want on your side. He can run and run,and not only can he run, he can run so fucking fast that you feel whacked out just watching him on the box lifting your fourth pint of the day towards your mush.
Hart looked good in goal. Wouldn't it be great if Mr. C just started him in South Africa? The one player I'm totally unsure of who will probably start is Calamity James. I've watched enough of him in action to know he is not the man that we need between the sticks.
On another note the Wembley pitch is all over the shop, not that it matters to England now, as we wont be playing there until September. John Terry made a great observation after his Chelsea side beat Portsmouth in the FA Cup final, saying that the pitch ruined the game. He went on to add that the FA need to decide if Wembley is going to be a football stadium or an events stadium. Although he is absolutely right, who does he think is still paying the bill of our new home? We all want the ground just to be used by the 3 Lions and for cup finals, but is that really realistic? Of course it isn't. The stadium costs a lot of dosh to maintain,and England do not play enough home games to cover those costs. Maybe JT should become a shop steward for the PFA and ask fellow England pros who make over £60,000 per week to put in 10% of their wages whilst they are playing/working/representing their country. That would mean a whole months worth of 10% of shit loads of cash over the world cup, could go into the Wembley coffers, and keep JT and the like happy badgers.
Or, he could charge fans thousands of pounds for a tour of Chelsea's ground and training facilities, off the cards, and just think, oh fuck it, wears that under age slapper, I need a nosh off.
Baked Patata!

NO CUM BURST FOR SIR HURST

West Ham won the World Cup! Fuck me, how many times have you heard an Irons fan spout that bollock mantra? Imagine for a second that we win it this year, they're going to say the same fucking thing.
Ferdinand, Lampard, Carrick, Defoe, Johnson, James, Upson, Green, Parker... It could get noisy in East London.
Of the 66 Claret and Blue contingent, Sir Geoff of Hurst reckons he backs Mr. C all the way by not allowing the WAGS to stay in the same hotel in South Africa. Wow, stop the press! What a genius. The idea of going to bed next to some uber fit slapper before playing against the elite players in the world at high altitude and in baking heat is not a good idea? Stone the crows! Is it because you might just be temted to give her a bit of how's your father and unload the magic ju ju beans all over her boat?
Sir Geoff has added 'Well I wouldn't have put it quite like that.' No I'm sure you wouldn't, that's why your a world champion footballer and I'm stuck in front of a computer writing swear words.
Cunt.

HER INDOORS

So the wife, husband, boyfriend, grilfriend don't like the footy? What to do? How can you survive an entire month of trying to keep her happy and watch the football too? How will she be able to cope with getting blanked for hours upon hours every day.
Don't forget in this global finacial crisis, it's not like we're all swimming in green either is it? So a nice dress, shopping spree, holiday is not a likely option.
And what if you've got kids? Fuck, that's a tough one.
Well don't panic, Uncle Rancey is here to sort it aaaaaaatttt!
Firstly, the kids can go and stay with Grandma, because Grandad will be with you watching the football anyway, he'll be on the lash, puffing on the snouts that he told her indoors he quit years ago and quite likely sharing a nose bag and then trying to tempt you to go halfs on a brass. My Dad's a bad man. So that's the nipper sorted.
The wife, well, she can go and fuck it. You do everything for her anyway, so if she moans, clobber the fucker in the mush with a right hook, and if she gives you any more grief, give her a shoeing when she's down, she wont get up after that, not at least until half time.
Bosh!
(Not really -ed)

IF TERRY IS FUCKED, ARE WE FUCKED?

Turns out that little up start Sturridge has injured the ex England skipper whilst training for their club, Chelsea. Chelsea, the champions play their premier league polar opposite Portsmouth who are relegated, in this Saturday's FA Cup final at Wembley.
Heavy bruising to the foot is the latest... Could well be a fracture though, which means two things.
John Terry rests over the weekend and doesn't kick a ball until the training camp starts in South Africa, where he gets to play alongside the now captain, Rio Ferdinand in an excellent central defensive partnership.

or

John Terry does the usual, unprofessional, i put my body on the line, I'll play with only one leg, I'd throw myself under a truck for club and country and plays this saturday, fucks his foot up so severely he misses the World Cup.

Now Ol' Johnny Boy has had a funny ol' year, so it really depends how his mind is working. Does he think, 'Fuck it I'm playing, I'm giving my all to the Chelsea fans who have stood shoulder to shoulder with me through this turbulent time which really wasn't my fault and everyone is over reacting all I did was fuck my bezzie mates bird... A few times'.

Or

Does he think 'Christ I've been enough of twat this year. I'll keep my head down, sit this one out on the bench, or even watch it WITH the fans, they'll fucking love that, man of the people etc etc, plus if there's any decent scranny in the crowd I can take them to the shitter and they can nosh me off...Everyone's a winner'.

For England's sake lets hope it is the last one, sort of. Saying that though, Ledley King, although hampered himself by injuries, is a very decent back up. He may even be a better player than Terry, he must certainly be a better bloke. The only problem is lack of international experience.
Watch this space. Pull that finger. Smell the fart.

DIET RIOT

In the Metro today (yes I know, it's shit etc), it states that Mr. C has ordered a load of grub from Tesco to take with him and the team to South Africa! The list of grub includes Tabasco (no doubt that is for Ashley Cole's ring piece), seaweed-sheets (which must be available in South Africa surely), pine nuts and many different flavours of tea, ooohhh hark at her!
Well, instead of forking out more fucking cashola, he should have got some of the fringe players on the 30 provisonal list to go shopping for him and the team. What was he thinking?
Lastly for today if it is true that David Beckham is going to travel with the team (the ones that are actually playing football and not just going on a holiday away from the wife to a place that is famous for beautiful creol prostitutes), surely he should be paying for his ticket and board? In fact, here's a better idea - if the FA are paying for him, (G-d know's how many thousands that will be, but I've got a feeling it would have been enough to put into school sports and stopped the White City school from having to sell their football pitch to developers because they are so skint) he should be making it up elsewhere to the team and FA. Instead of having to foot a cleaning bill on the training complex, Becks should do it! I can see it now, after a rigourous training session, fourteen pints of Lucozade sport and fifty energy bars Rooney needs the biggest shit known to man. Old Becks can go in there afterwards and spray a bit of jasmine around, and get the bog brush and scrape away at Rooney's finest shot of the day.
Fucking classic.

THE DIRTY 30

And so it has come to pass, Mr. C has chosen his provisional squad for South Africa and whilst I will of course list them here, I will also list their crimes against their names. I must stress that although, most footballers probably are complete wankers, I love these men...Apart from Cole....And Terry...I'm not mad on James neither...I don't rate Johnson...Neville's a cunt too...

GOALKEEPERS
David James- He's an artist and he's not very good.

Joe Hart - he's inexperienced, highly unlikely to play.

Rob Green - he's from Norfolk.

DEFENDERS
Leighton Baines - yeah right.

Jamie Carragher - he's already turned his back on the national team and now he's back for more, cake and eat it? You cake eating cunt! Good player though and I don't think he's ever been caught smacking someone in the gob or fucking a brass.

Ashley Cole - Ha ha - unlike this rascal! The epitome of a total wanker. Problem is he's one of the best full backs in the world, but I reckon he's even better at being a cunt.

M. Dawson - do me a favour.

Rio ferdinand - the captain is a class act. He went to ballet school you know, oh yeah and he missed a drug test, which doesn't mean anything apart from the glaring fact he MIGHT have been using performance enhancing drugs or was on the nose gear for a while. Doubt it though eh? Rio? Never!

Glen Johnson - thinks he's a winger! He's not!

Ledley King - can barely walk, why are we taking him for? My nan's quicker over six yards and both her knees work too!

John Terry - his Dad's a chaz dealer, he fucked his best mate's missus! With a record like that, he must be on the iron bird!

Matthew Upson - fuck me, can I come too? Upson? Did anyone watch West Ham this season?

MIDFIELDERS
Gareth Barry - he's injured!

Michael Carrick - good first touch, good passer of the ball, he's like Scholes, but nowhere near as tasty as the ginger prince... who is not coming.

Joe Cole - tricksy winger, quite good really, problem is Mr. C doesn't seem to think so.

Stevie G - fucking amazing player, can lift a team, grab the game by its throat, scores goals, is a total hero, recently decked a man in a bar.

Frank Lampard - known as fat Frank in certain quarters and gets booed a lot. Never understood that, he's really rather splendid.

Tom Huddlestone - fuck me if you think Frank Lampard's a porker weight (genius) 'til you see big daddy here. I pity the fool who sits at the same breakfast table as him in South Africa, they will hank marvin mate.

Adam Johnson - The Theo Walcott pick. Has a very bright future, could well take Joe Cole's position.

Aaron Lennon - dreadful eyebrows.

James Milner - has had a great season, if Barry is injured I see him starting.

Theo Walcott - used to be good.

Shaun Wright-Phillips - see above (only this twat is getting worse as a player, but demanding more money!)

Scott Parker - he's a fucking diamond. He would be in any team I managed.

FORWARDS
Darren Bent - has had a great season, subs bench me thinks.

Peter Crouch - hard to dislike, although my dad fucking hates him 'Lanky fucking streak of piss'. Not a nice man, my dad.

Jermaine Defoe - quite probably having an affair with Harry Redknapp as he follows him around a lot. Scores a lot of goals, enjoys stamp collecting (untrue).

Emile Heskey - holds the ball up well, does lots of other things too, apart from what a forward is supposed to.

Wayne Rooney - likes a granny in the sack, happens to be brilliant.

Until next time.

CAPELLO IN THE DEN OF THE 3 LIONS

When Mr. Capello first mardled into the sleeping 3 lion's den he would have seen a huge oppurtunity to become the man/legend who would rebuild England's flagging footballing fortunes.
Mr. Capello would have cast his four eyes at the over paid, over indulged and indulgent and the under achieving bunch that sat before him and he would have rubbed his hands with the glee of a hard bastard, task master, trouble shooter head teacher sent into a public school to sort out the brats and bash them into shape.
He would have seen English football as a giant pussy just waiting to get fucked. Of course this giant pussy had been fucked before, in fact over the years she had a reputation of minxing it up and had received a few goings over. She'd been frigged by a Swede, a Geordie on occasion had aroused her, A turnip had tried to stroke her clitoris, but in fact had missed and stuck his thumb up her arsehole, did he not like that! - and a religious man had tried so hard to please her, she quite liked him for a little while, but she had to throw him out when she found out he was a wheel chair user abuser.
She hadn't been given the climax she so desperately craved for so long and Capello saw an unhappy lady, he knew full well that the last time she had had an orgasm was in black and white when she was ejaculated into by the great Sir Alf.
Mr. Capello looked at the men-children in front of him. They were the boarders at Eton, the type that would shy away from wintry mornings on the sports field, but stay up all night, smoking out of the windows and playing soggy biscuit!
Soggy Biscuit, incidentally is a game that toffs play at boarding school and it involves a biscuit and the future leaders of industry shooting their cock snot upon it only for some poor plonker to have to eat or lick the biscuit! During my research of the great game of SB, a chap had posted the rules of the game on the internet with the wonderful send off 'Glad I never lost!'
Mr. Capello had his work cut out. But then he heard the opening bars of New Order's 'World in Motion' single, the smell of a rose garden, Gielgud's voice reading Henry V's St. Crispin's Day speech and the taste of warm, real ale exploded against his taste buds from nowhere.
And he thought to himself... 'I'm fucking onto something here'!